Real Men Don’t Abuse Women (or Kids)

Though yesterday was Abused Women and Children’s Awareness Day, this is an issue that we should be aware of each and every day. In order to really combat the problem at its root, we have to start raising compassionate, caring boys. Our sons need to be taught that being considerate and loving are not a weakness—and especially that violence and harm are simply intolerable.

No more can we excuse boys’ fighting with a sigh of “boys will be boys.” No more can we keep blaming the victim, saying that “she was asking for it” or that young girls who dress provocatively “brought it upon themselves.” The truth is, we can stop abuse before it even begins. Here are a few tips in teaching abuse prevention in your household.

Teach that it is not OK to harm. This includes hitting, biting, spanking, pulling hair, the works. Explain that it’s never OK to hurt, unless a stranger or someone is hurting you and trying to pull you into a car, etc. Teach that we resolve conflicts by using our words, not our fists.

Don’t scold boys for caring. Many fathers—and even mothers—will scold boys for being too “sissy” and tell them to “be a man.” These are not the ways, however, to raise a real man. As the saying goes, “real men change diapers;” they also care for people, express love and compassion, and do not take out their aggression on others.

Teach healthy ways to vent. This could include a disciplined activity like martial arts, or something as simple as yelling into a pillow, squeezing a ball or play dough, or taking a walk when angry. In our house, we use counting—generally to ten, but higher if you are really mad!—and taking a walk or deep breaths.

Teach respect. Let your children know that men and women—boys and girls—are equals, both people, and both deserving of respect. Brainstorm a list of things together as a game: ask what things are OK to do together (play ball, go to the zoo, share toys, hug) and then ask what things are not OK to do (hit, pull hair, shove, bite). Do the same with animals as well; share that all living things deserve to have a life free from violence.

Go global. Show how conflict around the world has resulted in so much loss, in war, and in regression of societies. In order to move forward we have to embrace peace. Show how working together creates friendships and partnerships where great accomplishments can be made.