I saw another one of those “Mother of the Year” stories on the front of our local paper—those small town hot topics!—and smiled… until I saw the sub-heading. It read something like, “She’s the best because she never does anything for herself!”

Hold up.

You’re telling me that being a martyr makes you a wonderful mother? The rest of the article aside, I simply cannot agree with that statement. Taking care of everyone but yourself doesn’t make you a great mother, or even a great person. It might make you filled with good intentions—or simply guilt from an unhappy childhood, as I’ve learned from reading books by the late great Alice Miller—but it certainly doesn’t make you a super hero. In fact, I would go as far as to say that it makes you a poor role model, a candidate for burnout or insanity, and downright unhappy.

That’s not to say that being of service is bad! On the contrary, being of service brings joy into our hearts and it’s an experience that can enrich every human’s experience on Earth. I heartily endorse volunteering, helping people out, and generally being as helpful as you can possibly be.

But I put a strong emphasis on can.

I don’t think you can put everyone else ahead of yourself and still be healthy. In fact, we all hear stories of mothers who have breakdowns, who leave their families, or who are simply so unhappy in life from doing everything for everyone else that they feel as if their lives are pointless, hopeless, or even unbearable. Throughout my life I’ve been shocked to hear the various stories from news sources, friends, and even my family about the things that resulted from women taking on too much and not asking for help from their family members—divorces, mental hospital commitments, suicide attempts, everyday breakdowns in tears or even physical fights… it’s not a healthy situation, and it shouldn’t be expected!

Mothers are put under heavy pressure these days. (So are general men and women, in other ways, I’ll agree.) We’re usually expected to run the house, kids, bills, food, cleaning, scheduling, maintenance, birthdays, doctors, and pretty much the whole shebang known as life on top of having a job of our own, and sometimes even having school or another responsibility, like caring for a relative, thrown in. This is a lot to handle, and when you’ve got a partner or children old enough or other family members to share in the responsibility, it’s not only integral that you do so for yourself, but for them as well. How on earth are they going to learn anything or appreciate what life truly entails if they don’t?

I know what it’s like to be the person who can’t say no. I know what it’s like to do all of the things listed above that mothers do and then some. I’m very proud of what I’ve been able to do, but I can also attest that doing these things and not caring for yourself—not sleeping, as I did, and not eating right, among many other things—can lead down a road of dangerous consequences. I had hallucinations, gained weight, experienced pain, saw spots, and eventually had to have surgery due to blood poisoning—but at least I had an A average while making money and caring for my baby, among other things, right?

Wrong. It’s high time to let go of the “only take care of everyone else” bit and start enforcing a new unwritten law that mothers take care of themselves first! Go pee before you change a diaper—don’t have an accident like I once did because you think it will make you a better mom. Feed yourself as well as you feed your children, and don’t scarf down leftover cold macaroni at the sink because you think you don’t have time to sit down and eat something healthier. Sleep. Breathe. Take time for yourself every single day, even if it’s a few minutes sitting on the toilet with your favorite magazine! Whatever you do, stop with this whole martyrdom bit, because it doesn’t do anyone—yourself especially—a lick of good.

To be a really great mother is to lead by example and to show your children how to do what's important in life--take care of yourself.