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Haunted by white carnations

The weird obsession of the founder of Mother's Day

Mother’s Day seems to be a pretty well-respected holiday. It’s commercial to some extent, but kids’ hard earn dollars (and pennies, of course) are used to pamper mom for her special day in the year. In any case, it seems a little bit less corporate than made-for-greeting-cards-holidays like Valentine’s Day.

Still, even an innocuous holiday like Valentine’s Day can rile some folks up. Eventually, it even riled up Anna Jarvis, the founder of Mother’s Day herself.

A recent article called “The Founder of Mother’s Day Later Fought to Have It Abolished” posted on mental_floss online by Jonathan Mulinix explains Jarvis’ extreme change of heart.

Anna Jarvis was close to her own mother, and after her mother’s death in 1905, Jarvis wanted to memorialize her mother. Through Jarvis’ successful campaigning, the first Mother’s Day celebrations were held in Jarvis’ mother’s church and in a department store in Philadelphia. On that first day, sons and daughters wore white carnations to honor their mothers.

By 1914, the Mother’s Day holiday had gained ground with corporate America and everyday citizens alike. In that year, Congress made Mother’s Day a national holiday.

One of Jarvis’ biggest supporters in her campaign for Mother’s Day was the floral industry. After the holiday became widely celebrated, the industry started making a bushel, selling white carnations for deceased mothers and red carnations to honor living mothers. Kids started honoring their mothers with gifts, as well.

That was when Jarvis started putting her foot down. She told children to stop buying flowers and presents for their mothers, and had some nasty names to call the floral and greeting card companies that made big profits on her sentimental holiday.

Soon after, she launched a full-fledged campaign against the floral industry, becoming rather obsessed with shackling the industry. She tried to trademark the carnation with the words “Mother’s Day” on it, but was denied. Florists offered a portion of their carnation sales, but she refused them. When the U.S. Postal Service featured the depressing painting “Whistler’s Mother” for a Mother’s Day postage stamp, she thought the featured vase of carnations was an advertisement for the holiday.

Her crusade against flowers didn’t stop there. The charity American War Mothers sold carnations for Mother’s Day to fundraise for their organization. Jarvis was arrested when she interrupted their meeting to try to stop them from the fundraiser.

If not flowers or gifts, what did Jarvis want mothers to receive on Mother’s Day? Long, hand-written letters. She hated greeting cards, too.

Praise the Children!

Breaking this habit is so much harder than it seems.

I’ve been studying the principles of humane living and mindful, unconditional parenting for a couple of years now, and I agree with the idea that children should not be heaped with empty praise all of the time. Studies and common sense show that as kids get more and more praise, they depend on this praise in order to justify what they do.

Instead of, say, doing a project or reading a book for their own pleasure and joy—or to become better at what they want to be good at—they rely on parental (or other sources of) praise to determine whether or not the project has any worth—and if they don’t receive the praise, they may be less likely to want to do the activity. And even if they do, the motivation isn’t self-oriented as it should be, but externally motivated by another source. How can kids really be true to themselves and learn who they are when they are constantly wanting praise from others?

I try so hard not to pile on praise with my daughter. I like to ask her what she likes about what she’s done, or to comment on how she really likes using green in her painting today. This is so much harder than it sounds, particularly if you have used praise before—or if other people in your life use praise. They will think that you aren’t encouraging your children, when on the contrary you are encouraging them to develop their own self-awareness and interior motivation. I had a woman in a restroom congratulate my daughter on how well she washed her hands, for example, and then when my daughter smiled at her, she gave me a look like I should be congratulating her, too. “Good job! Good eating! Good drooling!” Some parents praise for everything, and I really think that’s not beneficial for kids. Encouraging them by being interested, by loving them unconditionally, and smiling and holding your children is better, in my opinion.

The other day I hosted an art class for our homeschool group and I found myself commenting, “Great painting! Good job!” Ugh! What was wrong with me? I was nervous, for sure, with so many kids and such a great turnout, but I went against my principles and just blindly congratulated everyone on their pieces without even asking if they liked their own paintings or not. Keeping this challenge in mind all the time is truly a challenge, and I’d love to hear what any other unconditional, attachment parents do with encouragement.

Rate of Autism in the U.S. Rising

According to recent data from the CDC, 1 in 88 children in the U.S. are autistic.

Autism remains one of the most baffling (and common) cognitive disorders to professionals in psychiatry. Although noe one is exactly sure what causes autism, there have been a number of things attributed to it; watching television too young, childhood vaccinations, video games and rock or rap music (depending on who you ask), synthetic hormone in the food supply, increased solar activity, comets…with a field of study as broad as this it’s safe to say we haven’t actually nailed it yet. Still, studies continue to show a growing number of cases of autism and in younger and younger children.

The most recent numbers to come from the Center for Disease Controll and prevention (CDC) are that 1 in 88 children in the U.S. is afflicted with autism, and that number has grown since only a few years ago. According to data reported by Discovery News, the CDC estimated that 1 in 150 kids were autistic in 2002, increasing to 1 in 110 in 2006. The demographics to see the largest increases in autistic behavior have been blacks and Hispanics, and boys are almost five times more likely to be diagnosed as autistic as girls. In addition, areas of the country seemed to effected differently, with 1 in 47 children being diagnosed as autistic in Utah, while only 1 in 210 are diagnosed in Alabama. All data in the study, the “CDC’s Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report”, was compiled from of 8-year olds in 14 different areas around the U.S.

Although the numbers are troubling, there has been a much broader education in what autism is and how to recognize it, both by teachers and education professionals and by the public at large. So some of the increase is likely due to an increased identification of what are called autism spectrum disorders, delayed social and communication skills, delayed language development, obsessive and compulsive behaviors, and smaller indicators like “face blindness”.

With such large discrepancies in the data sets according to geographic location, ethnic background, and gender; greater funding should be directed toward research of autism’s core causes. How do children in Alabama differ in nutrition, behavior, and environmental variables to children in Utah, where the autism rates are much higher? What is it about girls’ biology or psychology that they are diagnosed at such significantly lower rates? These kinds of questions may lead us to some answers about why autism occurs in children, and what can be done to prevent or mitigate it.

Mama

Or Nghha Nghha

This morning, our baby daughter said “Mama.” Or it might have been “nga nga” or possibly even “ngla ngla.” I can't really say, except that it was definitely some kind of gargly consonant sound followed by a vowel of some kind. So it's just as likely to have been “Mama” as anything else, but it could just as easily have been “braa braa” or maybe “gghhou gghhou.”

What's my point? Wishful thinking, I suppose. She's actually still at the stage of making those musical-sounding cooing noises, which is the stage before meaningless babbling, which is the stage before the first word. So the best-case scenario is that this was an example of a meaningless babble, and that this is the stage we are now moving into.

But she was definitely crying for someone to pick her up when all this happened, and it definitely sound a lot like a plaintive little cry for Mama, so that's what we both wanted to believe it was. “Did you hear that?” my wife said. “It sounded like Mama!”

“Umm, I suppose so,” I said. “Either that or “gghyaa gghyaa.”

“Gghyaa ghyaa? What does that mean?”

“It doesn't mean anything. She's still too young to say anything.”

“Well, I think she said Mama!”

I thought so too, but I knew she probably hadn't, so I didn't want to admit that's what it sounded like. But it really did sound like “Mama.” Or “nghnaw ngnaw.” Or something.

Using Your Tax Refund with Your Children in Mind

According to Yahoo! Finance, the average tax refund equates to $3,000. Many families who live paycheck to paycheck must use this refund to stay on top of their bills. If, however, your tax refund is just considered extra money, you may want to consider using it with your children in mind.

I’m one of those parents that puts my children first. You only have them for 18 years, so I think it is important to spend money on encouraging their interests and preparing for their future. I’m not suggesting that any parent use a $3,000 tax refund on purchasing hair extensions, manicures, or a $150 purse.

First, you may want to consider using the money on your child’s hobbies or interests. You could pay for horseback riding lessons, purchase an art easel with a set of paints, or pick-up a brand new pair of cleats. Anything that will keep your child’s mind and body active in a productive way.

Second, entertain the possibility of spending the money on a trip. The trip could be a family trip based on a destination your child wants to visit, or it could be a summer camp your child wants to attend. Another possibility is a teen missions trip.

Third, you may want to put some of the money away for your child’s future. You can designate some of the money to go toward your child’s first car, or put it in a college savings account. If you do this each year you get a tax refund, your child will have the full amount they need when the time comes.

Each family situation is different, and so are the child’s needs. My youngest daughter requires $70 specialty sneakers to fit over her leg braces. Tax time allows me to splurge and get her a new pair. Just take some time to examine each of your kids and come up with a plan as to how that money can be spent for their benefit.

Make Yourself Paranoid

Watch "Intervention"

Are you feeling a little too calm right now? Not anxious or paranoid enough? Well, if you're the parent of any child young enough to still be a sweetly innocent little bundle of cuteness, just watch “Intervention,” and you'll be consumed by grim fears of the future before you can say “crack cocaine.”

I just saw the first episode the other night, and it's not a pretty one. In case you were maybe imagining that only kids from really dysfunctional homes ended up as drug addicts, this one episode will set you straight. The young woman in this one was a White House intern three times over, and she brought home a shelf-full of trophies for being the perfect kid. She used to play violin. And yet she ended up addicted to crack, opiates and prescription drugs.

Looking at my own little daughters playing happily and having fun, I just can't help but wonder if that could be them someday. We can never know what the future will hold, and not even being the perfect parent (which none of us are in the first place) can guarantee that things will be okay for our own kids.

All we can ever do is to put in our best effort, try not to make any really awful mistakes, and keep our fingers crossed. There's an old saying to the effect that having kids is like giving hostages to Fate. That was true a thousand years ago, and it's just as true today.

Preparing for 8th Grade

I can’t believe that my daughter will be starting 8th grade at the end of this summer. She is now working on her 4th marking period of the 7th grade curriculum, so I thought it was time to begin preparing for the next grade. The beauty of home schooling is the ability to complete an entire month of school work during the summer to get ahead. I do this for two reasons. First, I feel less pressure as a teacher knowing that we are ahead of schedule verses how I would feel if we were behind schedule. Second, I have a special needs child that is sick quite frequently. Starting out the year ahead will cover any days I cannot teach due to my youngest daughter’s medical needs.

I consider 8th grade our last year of freedom simply because the subjects my daughter must take for her high school years don’t involve much choice. Lets face it, almost all high school kids have to take Biology, Chemistry, and Physics. Math is no different. The standard is Algebra I, Algebra II, and Geometry. Not only are the subjects pretty much chosen for you, but I’ll also have to go through a school in Maine so that my daughter can get a high school diploma through an accredited school. Not that homemade homeschool diplomas are not becoming more widely accepted these days.

Anyway, this week I completed choosing my daughter’s curriculum and ordering it from Christian Book Distributors and A Beka Book. The next step is to create a schedule. Since my youngest daughter goes to a special services school, she attends school during the month of July to keep up with her therapy. I take advantage of that time to begin homeschooling my oldest. We always finish all of our curriculum by the middle of May so my oldest has off during the months of June and August.

What I like about homeschooling is that we always finish each and every book. When I grew up in both public and private schools, we never got to the end of our school books. There is a lot of information I missed out on.

I am excited about the coming school year for my daughter. I’m going to cherish every minute of it before the crazy high school years begin.

Staircase Miracle

Near-Disaster Averted

We use to live in a basement apartment at the bottom of a very steep staircase with slippery stairs. I don't know exactly what made them so slippery, but there it is. At least one a week, and sometimes twice, someone in the household would put a foot wrong, and go tumbling down the staircase head over heels.

This kind of thing was normally at least mildly amusing, even if it was pretty clear that the person could easily have died. I mean, falling is funny- it has a slapstick quality, like when I fell on that same staircase and ended up sliding the rest of the way down it on my butt. It was a ridiculous scenario.

But one time it was truly terrifying. My wife was carrying our baby daughter (now the older of our two daughters) when she slipped on the same stairs, and the two of them came tumbling down so fast I only had time for a single, awful flash of thought, which was :”They're dead!”

It really looked that bad, but the power of maternal instinct came to the rescue. As she careened down the staircase\, my wife instinctively cradled our daughter so that her head was protected on the way down. Because she was focused on the baby one hundred percent, she didn't stiffen up or tense her muscles. The nearly-miraculous result of this was that both of them not only survived what was a quite spectacular fall, they were completely unhurt, barring a tiny bruise on my wife's leg.

We have our instincts for a reason, and in this case we owe a lot to them!

Teach Your Teens to Have a Good Work Ethic

I appreciate the fact that my parents taught me to work hard for everything I have. I definitely noticed a difference when I went away to college. Those of us who had to work hard to pay for our own education didn’t take it for granted. I had several friends whose parents paid for their entire college education, and while that isn’t entirely wrong, they didn’t seem to be trying as hard. Of course, there are always exceptions to the rule.

In general I have adopted the same philosophy with my daughter. She is only 12 now, but she knows full well to take any opportunity to earn money that arises. She babysat my niece one summer for $10 a day. I was there the entire day, but it was my daughter’s job to keep her entertained and help with the potty training. My daughter knows she needs to save up for her first car, and for college expenses.

My daughter has another reason for wanting to work hard. She is a very active horseback rider. I agree it is my responsibility to pay for her riding lessons, but she wants to own a horse. As a single mom without my own health insurance, I certainly cannot take on that expense. My daughter knows she can have a horse when she can take on the monthly expenses of owning a horse.

I hear the argument from some parents that children should focus on their studies and not a job. I don’t agree with that. There is definitely time for both. Also, it is possible for a child to make enough money during the summer months to carry them through the winter. I have a friend that has one daughter that worked all the way through high school and is set to begin college in August. She is one of the most responsible kids I know. Her sister, however, has never worked and doesn’t seem to have any ambitions for the future.

My daughter is fortunate that I homeschool her because she is done school by lunch time. She could easily hold a part-time job when she reaches the age of 14 and still be able to keep up with her extra curricular activities.

The Deviancy Amplification Spiral

Mechanism of Mass Hysteria

If you've never heard of the “deviancy amplification spiral” you really should, especially if you are or are about to be the parent of a teenager. The deviancy amplification spiral is a process by which the media wants to find some bizarre and extreme-sounding story in order to attract viewers or readers, so they report on some unusual behavior that is either rare or non-existent or misunderstood.

Whatever the behavior is, it's perceived as being deviant by a lot of people, and they're shocked and repulsed when they hear about it. It almost always involves teenagers, so it tends to provoke hysteria because people are worried that their own kids will get caught up in it. The attention everyone pays to the shocking story causes the media to look for more examples of it, even if those examples are of rare and isolated or even completely fictional cases.

The more the media reports on it, the more common it seems to be, and the more frightening it seems to those who are shocked by it. The perceived “deviancy” becomes amplified in people's minds, in a self-reinforcing spiral of public hysteria and media sensationalism. Eventually some odd behavior engaged in by a tiny handful of people gets exaggerated into an imaginary national crisis, often leading to unjust prosecutions and repressive new laws.

The deviancy amplification spiral is a mechanism of mass hysteria. It's a witch-hunt process. Learn to recognize it and you won't be fooled by it. If you can avoid being fooled by it, you can avoid contributing to it.

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